Day of 1

Today is a special day: 11-11-11. The day of number 1. It happened once before, like 1000 years ago lol. 

So on a day that is one in a thousand years, I figure I should at least make something, or do sth special like write a blog! Hah. Isn’t it hilarious? Since when writing a blog is such a big deal?! Lol. Well at least to me it is a little time consuming so I guess I’m trying to make an effort here…

It’s like almost another month passed since I last put myself together and tried to be unlazy. For the whole month passed, what have I done? Honestly I can even remember a thing. Uhmm let me stop for a minute and… smile… lmao

Lately life’s been a little (if not a lot) boring, even worse than it was before. I have noticed myself changing in so many ways I never thought I would. I have become more dependent on my family, and I am now not so brave like I used to be. My mind turned into of an obsolete tedious coward. I feel like I have no strength sometimes, not powerless, but energy-less. I don’t even be bothered lifting a finger to do anything sometimes, just force myself to go do it if needed. I have no motivation for life. I feel like I am not living, I’m just alive… Since when have I become so pathetic?

At some point, I went so pessimistic that I even have a thought of giving up master degree application for this year, which I have been waiting and wanting to do all my life. I thought I would go working as a flight attendant, travelling all I can, make as much money as possible and pay for a course to study in America later when I have enough money!!! Dah. Gosh I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I should not be so negative at such young age. After all I am only 22 for now. Life is still a long way to go…

Sometimes I just think why it is so hard! Am I too much of a dreamer or just simply a lazy ass?

Enough whining? Well I’m not sure. But for not let’s just stop. I am going to the facial after work since my face is such a disaster now with huge pimples on both cheeks and forehead. I cannot live my life peacefully… Oh dear… I’m too tired to even bother complaining about it any longer. So let’s just stop and I’ll be back again on another special! Yay me :X

Yep, it's been 3 months !

       Looking back, it is now almost mid-October, meaning:

-         I have abandoned my blog for too long. I know I know. And I feel terrible about it. No excuse, whether no inspiration or no time. It is still my fault.

-         It has been nearly a month after my GRE test. I have a lot to talk about it.

-         It has been almost 3 months (dear God please forgive me!) since my last entry about my experiment with BP. And boy the consequences last ! =((((((((

Ok, I know this is another ‘crime’ to be confessed, but I started writing this since two days ago, and just continue now. How much of a bad procrastinator I am! Don’t tell me, I know, I know…

So what I have done, how I have ‘meditate’ (lol), where I have been and everything-in-between in these three months MIA huh. Uhm, let me think for a minute. Ok, shall we start…

1.     What I have done?

From beginning of August til September 14^th: I focused on studying for the exam and finally got it over with on Sep 15. Proud of myself you may ask? Well yes, abso-fucking-lutely missy. Although the score came out all so not very much perfect or as high as predicted (especially in Verbal), I am still very happy with how I have done and the result that my efforts paid off.

From the first day of BP Regimen trial til NOW (gosh I know!): I have been battling with my getting-worse acne conditions. I have got so many products to try out and done so many research on exfoliators (AHA, BHA, microdermabrasion, etc.) and acne resolutions (drying lotion, drying cream, tea tree oil). And boy nothing had even worked. Gosh I felt so desperate and melancholy for my ugly pimple face. Then I found out I may actually have Acne Rosacea, not Acne Vulgaris. So I started using Metrogyl Gel which contains 1% Metronidazole for treatment of the Acne Rosacea I think I may have. Well I have been using it for 10 days now (since October 4^th), and I have noticed less redness and flushing around my t-zone, yet the pimples and pustules do not seem to get better much, in fact getting worse. Sigh. However, I need to give it a little time before I can see obvious results. So I am being very patient about my skin conditions now. I’m trying to not go all frenzy about my acne like I did before, which got me all of a sudden start to go on BP (which is a disaster). It is just so sad that my acnes were not even near bad before BP… *sob*

On August 18^th 2011: I turned 22. Officially! Oh no no no it totally felt like ‘old’ to me. I am no longer F21, is it even legal being F22? LOL. I got a pleasant b-day somehow, as far as I recalled. Nothing much impressive, yet nothing out of hand and uncomfy for me. So just like that I stepped onto my new stage of life being 22 with a little eagerness, a little fear, and a lot of dreams.

From August 10^th til August 30^th: my cousin Viet Anh visited back home, so I got a little time spending with him. We hung out a lot, chilled out a lot. During that time, I also got to do other things too, meaning I did not spend the whole time with VA (it was Hang’s turn LOL). So three things I did (that I could remember of) are:

•  Chie came to Vietnam for holiday from Japan. I met her on her first and last day in Hanoi, and took her to the airport to catch the flight back home. Although we were not so close then, are not so close now, we still had good time catching up.
•   I came to consultations from many doctors (in many different plastic surgery clinics) for my intended rhinoplasty. And I gained hell-of-a-lot of experiences and insights. LMAO. What really really made me go through surprise to even shock on how far women nowadays are willing to go risking in trade of beauty! Wow I saw a bunch of young girls and old ladies having their eyes, noses, boobs, jaws, chins, etc. done. And boy did they look beautiful, even fake-looking, still great-looking. After seeing all of that, it came dawn on me how many women out there are going for plastic surgery these days. Like LOTS, I couldn’t even imagine if I hadn’t stepped into those doors.
•   I accompanied Trang to the clinic on the day she had her nose go under the knife. LOL I already decided to choose that place for my rhinoplasty, and while I was sitting in the waiting room, I saw so many ‘product’ of the doctor, and I was pretty glad I decided to choose that place. And it was funny that the clinic was the first one that I went to, and before I could step through the door, I turned back. LOL. Later I came back again, and chose it! Hahahaha….

And last but not least, the most recent and not-any-less-significant (compared to the test) event happening in my life so far is……

• On October 7^th: I had rhinoplasty. And yep it is now day 11 post-op; my nose is pretty much back to normal. Oh well, I had gone through an awesome experience in both good and bad way. Not much I can say about it. But I guess beauty does come along with sacrifice. Actually that does apply to all things in life.

2. Where I have been?

From September 14^th til September 15^th: I had my ass back and forth on the shortest trip ever in my life to HCMC for the test. It felt like going surfing or sth to me. Since I flew to HCMC in the afternoon and come straight back after the test at noon the next day. I did not have time for anything other than airport, sleep, test then airport again. Anyway, I cannot say I am 100% satisfied, but to some extent the test went pretty well; and I am now waiting for final result to come out in coming November.

Yeah, apart from that super short trip, I have not been travelling anywhere during the past 3 months. And probably until the end of this year I won’t be able to go anywhere… But that is another story rite!

 3. How I have mediated all along?

Well that should be coming in another post, since this one is already long enough.

Ok, so for now let call it a post. Til next time, toodles <3

BP REGIMEN DAY-BY-DAY DIARY

Products used:

Morning: 

* Cetaphil gentle cleanser

* Nature Republic soothing and moisturizing green tea gel

* Makeup routine as usual (sunscreen, primer and foundation)

During the day: 

* Regularly supply water to the skin by spraying bottle

Night: 

* Lauress oil to cream cleanser

* Physiogel cleanser 

* Duac gel (Clidamycin phosphate 1%, Benzoyl peroxide 5%) 

* Physiogel AI Creme

Week 1: 24/7/2011 – 30/7/2011

Day 1: 

- Night: I started applying Duac for the first time. It did not feel anything burn or hurt. I’m ok for now. I’m wondering how this topical treatment cures my acnes. FYI I am having some small pus-pimples on my forehead atm. 

Day 2:

- Daytime: My face started getting warmer then hotter throughout the day. It was a freaking humid and hot day today, but the burn is pretty tolerable. But I can see my face turning red.

- Night: After I removed my makeup and cleaned my face, oh boy it was nearly red on the cheek sides. I was pretty hesitating to put anything else on, yet I thought I should just continuously apply BP for maximum effect. So I did apply Duac at problematic areas (chin, cheeks, forehead), but skipped moisturizer, since I still cannot find a proper product for the purpose of keeping my skin hydrated. 

Day 3:

- Daytime: In the morning when I woke up, oh no my face was real red and I could feel my skin burning and severely dehydrated. My face was a bit swollen and very itchy. I had to cover the redness with Revlon Colorstay Softlex Foundation. Oh no, during the day it got worse. My skin itched all the time that if it wasn’t for my foundation to be there, I could just scratch it off. It was that bad. And I could feel the burning more and more during the day, as well as see the redness… Huhu…. Now I know where the allergy I got last year came from! It was exactly the same symptoms and all, only harsher. BP is too hard on the skin.

- Night: After normal makeup removal process, my skin was a bit sore and I could literally say it almost cracked at areas of dryness. Oh dear I seriously got so nervous and worried now that my skin gets really irritated. For one second I actually thought I should stop the regimen here, then I quickly then remind myself of how it went last year. Oh well, there’s no way of turning back. Either I continue, or quit – which is what I did last year. I knew how it turned out, and do not want that result again. So this time I am going to really stick with the regimen and be patient with it. Despite the fact that my face is hot, red, constantly burning and itchy… huhuh

Day 4:

- Daytime: I woke up in the morning with real oily face, which I think I put too much moisturizer last nite. Anyway, I did not see much difference that the moisturizer claimed to do to my skin *yet*. But I do hope it could do something to it. I even applied Physiogel to my skin in the morning as a moisturizer, yet it did not absorbing so well into the skin and it left my face greasy and shiny. And after I put on the Monistat primer, my face was super oily. I could not stand the gross, so I went washing my face again with Cetaphil cleanser and tried the NR green tea gel for moisturizing. Well fortunately enough, it worked well and absorbed right into my skin, which I literally thanked God for it. During the day, my face was still red and itchy, but I could feel the severity lessens very little by little (but it did anyway), so I was pretty satisfied. 

- Night: I applied Duac to problem areas as usual, followed by Physiogel AI Crème. After a while I could feel my face less hot, and see my skin less red. I am pretty satisfied about the progress. 

Day 5: 

- Daytime: I woke up with less oily face than yesterday. Pretty satisfied no. 1. Also it is noticeably less red too. Satisfied no. 2. Haha. During the day I can see my skin slowly getting better. Although still a little red and dry, the itchiness and swollenness of the face has reduced by around 50%. I am glad that I can see the progress. Fingers crossed for good result!

- Night: My face got a lot better. When I removed the makeup, I can see it looked a lot less red. I am pretty satisfied rite now. I did the normal night routine. After that I felt a little itchy, yet just a little. Let's see how that part going.

Day 6: 

- Day time: During the day I felt my face a little itchy constantly. Oh well I hope it is not too bad. I also notice some new pimples forming up at the chin and cheeks areas. I think that’s the progress of Week 2 that acne.org refers to in the website. Anyway I am trying to hold my impulsiveness and be patient here. Haha, and one good thing is that I am at the end of Week 1 and already can see the supposed progress of Week 2. Is it bcos I used BP 5%, which double the suggested concentration. Lol. Anyway, that seems pretty promising hah! Hope so. 

- Night: I removed my makeup and saw my face like only 30% red, it is a little dry on the cheeks, but the roughness had greatly reduced. Very pleased! Other than that, I dabbed a little more BP on the pimples, hoping they go away soon. Hehe. 

Day 7: 

- Day time: I did not see much discomfort today. Only a little itchiness still going. Well actually I felt more itchy than I did yesterday. Perhaps the itch increased? Don’t know. 

- Night: The redness greatly reduced now. I think around 15% left. Very pleased about that. Yet the itchiness persists. I can live with that. Also, the pimples from yesterday had gone away pretty fast, however, new ones coming up. Sucker! Ok, I’m being patient here.

Week 2 (31/07/2011 -  06/08/2011)


Day 8:
- Day time: I had extreme itchiness along my jawline during the night. It lessened in the morning. However, I scratched my face (at that part) a lot, although I already tried really hard not to even in my sleep. In the morning, I noticed a weird difference: my face got really dry and not so oily at all (which is unsual). Moreover, my face got a little redder, just a little bit, yet it did anyway, which I also did not understand why. During the day, my face was less itchy at the jawline part. But I could feel some acnes forming up, that's so not nice to touch and really annoying to see. Grr.... I really have to persuade myself to be more patient here...
- Night: Oh dear, I was glad removing my makeup and felt my face nice and clean with little redness left. Yet once I applied Duac to my face, it gradually started itching all the way through now. And that was after I applied my moisturiser already. Sigh, I thought I should increase the amount of BP applied, and I knew irritation is going to occur, yet I did not expect my face to be soooo itchy. Huhuhuhu... Additionally, I think Physiogel is a little too greasy for me, I do not like the feeling it gives to my skin. I am thinking of switching it to something else easier-to-absorb, which I have not found so far (even Cetaphil lotion, I do not think it worth trying since so many people have complained about how greasy Cetaphil lotion gives their faces). Sigh (again), I also will be changing BP product from Duac to (perhaps) Panoxyl, since Duac is too much expensive for my pocket to afford it. It runs out fast, since it's only 10g, does not last so long, and I'm not sure if the Clindamycin does anything to my skin. So yes! I'll be changing products (hopefully). Maybe Duac will last me for another week or two. I do not have much saving left, however. I'm pretty broke for now (sigh) and I should be doing some saving. Just spend money on medication and skincare products (no clothing, and eat-out restriction)...

Day 9:
- Day time: I woke up in the morning having pretty bad itchiness, and a little dryness on the cheeks (mostly at the laugh lines) and chin. However after I put my my foundation, it soothened a little. During the day, my face was so itchy I could have scratched it over and over yet I tried not to. Oh dear how could I be so patient! Haha. Nothing much during the day, except that I got 3 medium-sized pimples on my forehead, with some scars from old acnes which can be covered by foundation, one painful pustule near my laugh line (where it was very dry it flaked!) and one small pimple on my chin. The rest of my face was pretty tolerable, in terms of redness, swolleness and hotness, except for the continuous itches....
- Night: I just finished my night routine. I was thinking of changing Physiogel into NR Soothing and moisturising gel for moisturiser at night then realised well perhaps it is not enough. After I thoroughly removed my makeup and looked at my bare face in the mirror, wow my complexion was not any redder than usual (I meant before BP regimen), yet the itchiness persisted with flakes around my laugh lines got so obvious. I knew I needed to keep using Physiogel for the night then. I applied Duac then Physiogel as usual. Gosh this time my face turned red again, with the itchiness increasing and a new burning feeling coming up. 15 minutes after, my face got a little less red, and the burn started decreasing, yet the itchiness is persisting. I do not know what is going on. I am trying to tolerate it here... Arrggg my face is sooooo itchy now... huhuhuhu

Day 10: 
- Day time: Nothing much happened in the morning. Yet the itchiness rapidly increased from afternoon onwards. By the end of dinner, I already gave the itchy areas several swipes. Addition to that awkward itchiness, skin around my laugh lines flaked, and peeled. Literally! Oh no :(( I really don't know how to deal with the peeling and all these uneasiness. Huhu... On top of that, I had one huge pimple on my left laugh line, which looked disgusting, and irritating, and painful. huhu. The peeling mostly happened around there.
- Night: I LITERALLY had to scratched my face during removing makeup. It was sooooooo freaking itchy I could not not-scratch it. Oh man. I freaking hate it that I did so to myself, yet I could not resist. It was soooo itchy. After I finished cleasing and applied Duac, I changed moisturiser for my skin for a trial. I used Jojoba Oil and found it a little greasy (just like the Physiogel AI Creme). Perhaps that's how all products that claim to have ingredients close to skin sebum do? Well or perhaps I put too much Jojoba Oil in use? Yet the itchiness did not go away even after I put moisturiser. My face even burned a little, then the burn quickly decreased after a while. Yet the itchiness did not go away, I had to persevere and tried not to touch my face at all. Luckily the sleep helped lessen it a bit.

Day 11:
- Day time: Itchiness reduced by 50% to my surprise. I applied Jojoba Oil to my laugh line areas in the morning, and also mixed a little Physiogel with bb cream. Yet the areas were still so dry, there were peelings all over the area on the left side, around my huge pimple. FML
- Night: I finished all routine. I scratched my face during cleansing again, since there were lots of flakes that would not go away without the forcing scrub. I think the forcing motion thins out my face, yet I have no other way but do so, for the sake of 'no flake'. OMG. The slight burn occured again after I applied moisturiser as the last part. It quickly disappeared soon after though, yet I do get that uncomfortability in this regimen, perhaps because I have yet found a moisturiser that suits my skin. Oh one more thing, I see more and more pimples coming on my forehead and the far part of my cheeks. Soo disgusting! Also I don't think my face has yet gotten used to BP so far, since the redness and burn always come back once I apply Duac (although stop very quick after). I hope it goes well and suits me, as I am having no other choice right now than carry on this regimen. Any chance will cost me time, and money. And since my face is already a big ugly mess, I think it should not be much uglier than it already is. So I am really trying to be persistent and stick with the BP regimen for at least a month or two and see how it's going. If I stop here then FML :-s

Day 12:
- Day time: Ok so I had flakey face during the day, so the bb cream just fell off of my face. Darn! I revealed my acne face to the whole world. FML. On the bright side, the itchiness did not seem to bother me so much anymore. On the dull side (which is more terrible), more and more acnes coming. My forehead had a huge huge flare up. Continuous cystic pimples are on my freaking forehead rite now. I can't stress enough....
- Night: I made a little change to my routine. So now I applied Jojoba Oil rite after cleansing, then BP, then moisturiser. That did seem to smooth out my face so much better, and that did also greatly reduce the redness and burning feeling I usually had prior to this change. One more important thing today is that I thought of stopping the Regimen since: (1) It starts breaking me out so crazily and I really desperate. (2) I'm thinking of later when I (hopefully) may get clear, I will gain an dependence on the product, and that is no fun!
Yet the idea is still on the hanger for now... Let's see!

Day 13
- Day time: I applied BP in the morning under makeup. And gosh it did gave my face an itchiness whole day. I could not stand the itchiness and more breakout BP gave me, as well as not like the idea of having to stick with sth that freaking dry out my precious skin all this life. So I DECIDED TO STOP THIS BP REGIMEN. I've had enough and I know it does not work for me as well as it does for others. It's ok. I am looking into other options right now. Perhaps going back to basic with eating healthy food and having healthy lifestyle is the best with my skin so far. Yet all I have to deal with first is to treat my current pimples. Huhu

CONCLUSION:
I don't think BP works well for me.
I am off the regimen with pimples all over my face, mostly on my forehead.
It also gave me a freaking itchiness that does not stop even I stopped applying BP 3 days already.
I think that BP could be used as a spot treatment for Emergency situation, so I'll keep the Duac tube with me in case I may need it later.
However, BP overall is not suitable to be applied all over the face as it gives a more severely negative effects than positive ones in my case. 

process of getting smart: make mistakes - learn from 'em

Wow, it has been long time. Hehe. Hello (anyone there?!! Nah kidding :P)

I feel like it’s been forever since my last entry. I even put an “edit later” at the end of the last one (LOL) and never came back to edit it. Hahahaha funny me.

During the time I have been MIA, there have been many things happening in my life. Some remarkable issues are:

My dear little brother officially failed getting into CVA HS since the standard score was not lowered and we (I mean our parents) couldn’t do anything about it. So we actually went through pretty hard time finding a place, oh well I mean school, for him to enroll as the new school year is approaching.

After careful consideration (boy this sounds serious) and countless talks, we decided to send him to Newton Grammar School; and he is oriented to aim for a financial aid package to study abroad (hopefully America).

Well, it’s a ‘phew’ moment for us all (my parents and me) today, since we could finally finalize our last resort. And it seems we (all of us, including my brother) are pretty happy about our choice and eager to get started.

This problem solved really took a big stone down from our chests. Hello some inner peace! Hehe…

Freaking soooooooo many stuffs going on at work. Hahaha. That really got me thinking back to the beautiful lady fortune teller words: “ Workplace is filled with complication”. Turned out, she was right at least at this point. Well well well… I just wanna be able to work in a calm and liberal working environment, so I can focus on my stuffs. But life never follows ur hope, it is a pool of challenges.

I got a talk with my cousin sisters last weekend and realized that we have all grown up a lot since that last time we got that kind of talk. Now we mind our future in a more realistic way, with more worries and less dreams. I am also very glad Hang finally passed her university entrance exam.

She was so stressed out about it whole year round and got so thin. At some point after got the first score result for group A, I could understand how terrified and desperate she was, as I know exactly how it feels to fall down from the earth to hell. Now she can finally rest her heart and mind, since she made it. After all, life is not so unfair. At least all her efforts paid off somehow, not the way everyone thought it would be, but anyway she was successful in what she aimed. I can’t be any happier for her.

Congrats my sis!!!

Besides, the one thing that actually concerns me most is that my study is still on the hanger. FML. I keep having this and that and need to go here and there. That actually comes down to the main point that I practically keep making excuse for myself not to study! Reason? Well: 1 – laziness, 2 – nervousness, 3 – cowardess. Oh dear. I have only a little more than a month and a half left for the preparation. I am really really stressed out about it every single second my head is unoccupied by something else. I really do. But I know I’m not making enough efforts here…

I should start asap before it’s too late, or before I cannot blame anyone else but myself for being stupid and regret it when nothing else can be done. The other day when I was in the shower, my mind suddenly got so clear and all. I raised my will up and thought to myself: no matter how the situation turns out, I would definitely try my best to figure a way to make my burning desire come to reality. Seriously I thought that to myself! And I really did manage to find the strength to face the GRE result even if it’s too bad. I promised myself I would still try my best and not just give up in the middle of the way when things are not finalized yet like the many last times I did…

Some improvements with my self-relationship in the spiritual aspect, however, in the physical side, I am not doing so well with myself. Huhuh, I decided to start the Benzoyl Peroxide Regimen (acne.org) after a long time (a year later after that striking allergy horrible red swollen face last July, wow around this time last year, time freaking flies…).

Ok, so I chose Duac gel with Clindamycin phosphate 1% and Benzoyl peroxide 5% for the treatment, as I could not find anything with 2.5% BP concentration. It’s too bad. I know it would irritate my skin, but I decided to go for it, well at least give it another try. I didn’t know until the next day after I first applied Duac to my skin that previous nite, my skin started dehydrating so badly and turned red and felt like horribly blistering. Oh boy that felt no nice! But the whole story of my experiment with BP regimen will be detailed in a different post.

Only then I realized, oh so that was not an allergy last year, it was just my personal allergic reaction (part of BP side effects). So there I went: making one of the biggest mistakes that are already stated in the website. LOL – stupid me hah! I really hope things turn out differently this time, I mean good result, with clear skin and no more acne! Really there’s not much choices for me now rather than just sticking with the regimen until I can see at least a little result. Well, starting with too much hope and quitting too soon before results could be seen is my always-come-back-to-mistake.

I should really learn to be more patient, shouldn’t I?!!! I KNOW!!!!!!

struggling in my self-relationship

“The most important relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.”

It is, indeed, isn’t it! I know it sounds pretty weird the way I put it here, but seriously if you look at the practical meaning of the phrase then it does make absolute sense. Thus I actually do consider the relationship with myself greatly essential. Well, in that case, I am extremely unhappy, uncomfortable and unsatisfied with myself lately.

Why?

Ok here are the reasons for my ‘self-relationship’ falling apart:

1.      I’ve been feeling very unwell lately. Simply because I am not healthy. I am not healthy. Oh no! Sad fact, is it not? Yes it absolutely is. I am 22 years old, turning 23 in less than a month, and still some kg overweight. Speaking of which, the older I get, the more difficult it is for me to get to the point of a fitted body achievement. Arrgg the more I think of it (by ‘it’ I mean this obstacle), the more I get so upset with myself for being such a lazy ass – not working out, not doing anything to help improve my own well-being, except my skin. Arrrgg…

On top of that, I have a series of other health-related issues: regular headache (unknown reasons), bad skin (continuous breakout and acne suffer), low-function livers, constipation, irregular periods (unknown reasons, perhaps some kind of ovaries’ disorder???), and (some kind of) eating disorder (unidentified which now)/or simply not eating well…

2.      I am still a procrastinator at heart, no matter how much I try not to be one. In this special self-relationship of mine, the most disappointed thing I always have is that stupid procrastination. Always knowing that drawback, yet never be able to fully overcome it is really frustrating, or depressing even. I am super unhappy that I cannot do anything about it, other than giving in to procrastination. Studying, working out, I always give myself some kind of excuses for the postponement of doing things. Seriously Chi, why do I always have to be an ultimate procrastinator? Moreover, why do I always compromise that procrastination driving force? Why why why????????

3.       I cannot be happy with myself and my life. Part of the reason is that I do not make any improvements or success, the rest of the reason is that my mind does not seem to be able to find ‘inner peace’. On top of all that, the dilemma of GRE continuous anxiety and procrastination of study really makes me super duper miserable. Oh well, what do I do!!!!!!

(edit later)

Inner Peace !!!

Hahahahah life is freaking unpredictable! What is the new vocab I just learnt yesterday for the synonym of ‘unprediction’? Oh no. Turned out it is ‘divination’ which actually means ‘prediction’ – the opposite!!! Hahahaha.

Well, on to the matter, it is actually about my brother’s exam result. Hahahaha I cannot help myself laughing my heart out nonstop. Everyone thought he got into his Option 1 school – CVA HS. Ok well not until yesterday when the standard score came out, which was 0.5 point more than his total score. Hahahahaha. I am not laughing because I’m so happy for my brother’s shortage of score here ok! I’m fucking laughing of that ridiculous high score they set for standard. LOL.

Freaking people aim for what! What do they want to ask of the children! They set that high standard for the fame of the school, ok understand! But 0.5 points higher than my bro’s score, which is really high already I’m telling ya, is for what! LOL. He already scored 0.5 points higher than last year standard record. Hohohohoh…

I know that he’s gonna get in anyway, as the ‘standard score’ will lower a little by at least 0.5 pt for him to be eligible (which is not true!), but I’m sure it will. Therefore I do not worry about that. I just learnt a freaking lesson here: at times when you think you’re so certain about something, it can just slip out of your hand anytime without you even expect or prepare! Well well well, my brother should learn his lesson. Hahaha my bro =))))))))))))

I fell for this image right the moment I saw it onscreen.
TOTAL FAVORITE!
HUGE SYMPATHY!
GREAT SUPPORT!

Ok, shall we talk about me already?

I don’t know what I wanna mention about my life recently. At the moment, there is nothing so significant. My three current concerns include: skin, upcoming test, and job.

-         I have used AHA treatment 10% for 2 weeks, since July 1. And the result so far? I don’t know what I can say about it. Seems like I am in the category of ‘it gets worse before it gets better’. My skin is not that bad like it was a year ago, yet it is worse with more small pimples on my forehead, 5 to 7 small whiteheads and 2 pimples on my cheeks with lots and lots of under-surface little heads. Huhuhuhuhuh I really hate seeing my face covered with acnes. The situation reminds me so much of how painful physically and mentally I had experienced last year. 

      Well, on the bright side, all acnes clear up faster than normal rate, which is a bit more encouraging for me to keep using the product. I really wanna give it a good try, until all my face is clean and clear. Hahaha. Anyway I do notice more even complexion and smoother texture every morning waking up. That seems like a good vestige. I really really do hope for an improved skin with this product! God blesses me, please please!!

-        I started studying vocab for the upcoming test this Sept. It does actually prove a big obstacle in front of my face. Sometimes during my sleep, I even think about the test and its level of difficultness. Well well well, I am freaking obsessed about it every single day. Eating, pooing, sleeping, day and night, morning and afternoon, work or home, driving or relaxing, the thought of the test approaching closer and closer day by day really gets to my nerve. It does freak me out a little, and it does stress me out a lot. Haha! 

Ok, can you really not freak out looking at this medley!

If you're still calm, you probably a freak. LOL.

I can't stress out enough ......

      Seriously I have been psychologically prepared for it all along. Yet the preparation is never ever enough. LOL. I shiver every single time I think of it. I am nervous every single day. And Zeb said this to me yesterday: prepare for the worst, hope for the best. The message really stuck in my mind, ever since it was delivered to me. I should follow an acumen, rite? Oh well… I don’t know. For now all I can think of doing is to not aggravate my already-restless-mind. Well, simply put, (mind you I borrow from Kungfu Panda 2) INNER PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-        Work is no way either interesting or terrible. I don’t care much of the description of my position for now. I really don’t. All I pay attention to is a comfy working environment where it is not too crazy or miserable for me to be a part of, somewhere clean with accessed internet and a lot of spare time. Haha. I am satisfied for now, that I can study at work too, and surf the net whenever I please. LOL. Such a bitch I am, I know. But it’s ok. As long as I fulfill all my tasks, leftover time is mine rite!

I’ll be off to sleep now. It’s 11pm at night and I am already sleepy. LOL. Oh and a fortune teller told me today that I’ll be meeting my future bf. LOL [I think this has been the first entry of me ever for LOL so much].

LOL this picture confides my gloomy future ~~~
LMFAO =)))))))))))))

Ok so anyway, I’m looking forwards to meeting you, boyfriend! Hahahahaa.... LOL. 

mental conflicts

Oh well, I am going to write a long long post here, with no picture for demonstration at all (and it is for real this time!), since I have a lot of issues to ramble about…

First of all, my brother’s result for exam is really unpredictable, in a good way. However, he is only accepted into CVA high school, which is previously mine, but not his dream school Amsterdam HS. That is already a very good result. Yet I cannot stress out enough how ignorant my parents’ attitude towards this issue is. They were happy for him, but then not trying to do anything to get him into Ams HS even knowing it is a better option for his future. Sometimes I really wonder is he their son (especially my mom, who is supposed to mind all these issues)? Not that he is not their own son by blood, but they care for him in the “right” way of supposedly caring for a son, yet?

I know that does not mean they don’t love him, probably more than love me even. However, my parents have always been like that. So freaking indifferent about all the future-relevant matters of their children! When I was young and at the age of should-have-been-future-oriented, all they did was struggling with dealing with me and my puberty, not trying to find a way to get to understand me and guide me to my own future. I had to figure out all that by myself. Is that the issue of them both being the youngest among their siblings and not sure how to properly give guidance to others (or their children in this case), or is that the fact that they are from a different generation and have different perspectives?

Like it or not, I have to admit the fact that my own parents are not so awake-with-the-times types of people. They were raised peacefully as children and do not like changes, thus prefer not to have to compete or scramble for wealth. I believe it was part of their inherent characteristics, yet also very affected by their grown-up times and environment. I do not agree with most of their perspective in life, and since I always confide that difference, I think it is probably the reason why they don’t like me so much.

I hope my brother would not follow my parents’ footsteps in being so dependent and indecisive. However, he is smarter than me in the way of capturing parents’ love. Hahahaha that’s why he is more favorite to them. Well that’s ok. I accept that fact and do not complain or resent no one. Additionally, I really really want to have an independent life from my own parents. Sooner or later, I’ll be moving out of that apartment with no strings attached, so I don’t have to deal with all the tiresome and troublesome my own family is making me feel daily. I do understand it is a selfish thinking, but it is realistic thinking. It is my destiny not being able to be near them. As hard as I have been trying, I don’t think I could ever be able to get along well with them while being close to them geographically. Ultimately the best solution has to be me on my own away from my family!

Ok FACE IT! 

I am so freaking sick of my dad’s huffiness and my mom’s sulkiness all the time. Their expectations in me are so different comparing to my achievements. And I do not want to mention anymore about that, since we have discussed that million times and never got agreements in anything. I am supposed to be the obeying ones and sacrificing my priorities, yes? NO freaking no no! I should be a good daughter, but they should be understanding towards me in the meantime. Yet I have never felt either so much approval or sympathy in my life from my own parents. Since I was younger, and wanted to study abroad, I have always had to either persuade or fight for my choices. I believe in my own decisions, but my own parents do not. They permanently think I am still little and lầm đường lạc lối, which cannot be more annoying.

And PLUS the way that my parents are treating my brother is not much better than how they treat me. Perhaps giving him more love, yet no change in the aspect of future and character guidance. Not bad, but inappropriate! I am even more worried, since my brother is very passively thinking and reliant. Therefore, if he continues to be treated the same way as when he was a child, he will not grow up the positive way, as he is currently in his puberty, and everyone knows it! The rebellion could be mild for now, yet it will grow once he gets to his endurance limit of improper guidance series from mom and dad. I really really hope my brother grows up being eager to learn and being resolute in all his matters, not having to be dependent or controlled by anyone…

Anyway, final words: concentrate on my study. If I don’t think for myself now, I would never be able to think for anyone else. No matter how selfish others would think of me, even my own parents, I will just do whatever I have to do.