mental conflicts

Oh well, I am going to write a long long post here, with no picture for demonstration at all (and it is for real this time!), since I have a lot of issues to ramble about…

First of all, my brother’s result for exam is really unpredictable, in a good way. However, he is only accepted into CVA high school, which is previously mine, but not his dream school Amsterdam HS. That is already a very good result. Yet I cannot stress out enough how ignorant my parents’ attitude towards this issue is. They were happy for him, but then not trying to do anything to get him into Ams HS even knowing it is a better option for his future. Sometimes I really wonder is he their son (especially my mom, who is supposed to mind all these issues)? Not that he is not their own son by blood, but they care for him in the “right” way of supposedly caring for a son, yet?

I know that does not mean they don’t love him, probably more than love me even. However, my parents have always been like that. So freaking indifferent about all the future-relevant matters of their children! When I was young and at the age of should-have-been-future-oriented, all they did was struggling with dealing with me and my puberty, not trying to find a way to get to understand me and guide me to my own future. I had to figure out all that by myself. Is that the issue of them both being the youngest among their siblings and not sure how to properly give guidance to others (or their children in this case), or is that the fact that they are from a different generation and have different perspectives?

Like it or not, I have to admit the fact that my own parents are not so awake-with-the-times types of people. They were raised peacefully as children and do not like changes, thus prefer not to have to compete or scramble for wealth. I believe it was part of their inherent characteristics, yet also very affected by their grown-up times and environment. I do not agree with most of their perspective in life, and since I always confide that difference, I think it is probably the reason why they don’t like me so much.

I hope my brother would not follow my parents’ footsteps in being so dependent and indecisive. However, he is smarter than me in the way of capturing parents’ love. Hahahaha that’s why he is more favorite to them. Well that’s ok. I accept that fact and do not complain or resent no one. Additionally, I really really want to have an independent life from my own parents. Sooner or later, I’ll be moving out of that apartment with no strings attached, so I don’t have to deal with all the tiresome and troublesome my own family is making me feel daily. I do understand it is a selfish thinking, but it is realistic thinking. It is my destiny not being able to be near them. As hard as I have been trying, I don’t think I could ever be able to get along well with them while being close to them geographically. Ultimately the best solution has to be me on my own away from my family!

Ok FACE IT! 

I am so freaking sick of my dad’s huffiness and my mom’s sulkiness all the time. Their expectations in me are so different comparing to my achievements. And I do not want to mention anymore about that, since we have discussed that million times and never got agreements in anything. I am supposed to be the obeying ones and sacrificing my priorities, yes? NO freaking no no! I should be a good daughter, but they should be understanding towards me in the meantime. Yet I have never felt either so much approval or sympathy in my life from my own parents. Since I was younger, and wanted to study abroad, I have always had to either persuade or fight for my choices. I believe in my own decisions, but my own parents do not. They permanently think I am still little and lầm đường lạc lối, which cannot be more annoying.

And PLUS the way that my parents are treating my brother is not much better than how they treat me. Perhaps giving him more love, yet no change in the aspect of future and character guidance. Not bad, but inappropriate! I am even more worried, since my brother is very passively thinking and reliant. Therefore, if he continues to be treated the same way as when he was a child, he will not grow up the positive way, as he is currently in his puberty, and everyone knows it! The rebellion could be mild for now, yet it will grow once he gets to his endurance limit of improper guidance series from mom and dad. I really really hope my brother grows up being eager to learn and being resolute in all his matters, not having to be dependent or controlled by anyone…

Anyway, final words: concentrate on my study. If I don’t think for myself now, I would never be able to think for anyone else. No matter how selfish others would think of me, even my own parents, I will just do whatever I have to do.